I fell in love again, and it hurts. A mighty claw gripping my heart and squeezing it almost til it bursts, blood seeping through my eyes in tears hot as lava. But, it is joyous...a beauty to be savored...treasured before all things. I am patient, diligent, tolerant, understanding, frustrated, irritated, joyous, sadness, whole...I will be strong for them and for myself. 
My heart flutters, it stings, it pulses, it sings, it stabs, it gives, it smiles, it lives...
Some rough times are ahead for us, moving. Moving on with the wings of a crow at my back pushing me ever forward with lips so soft at my neck whispering guidance and wanting. I sigh in acceptance of everything, a ripple of uneasiness spreads throughout and seeps its sadness into my bones. I will stand back until the ripple is cleared, until all things of love which trembles are nurtured through all and myself. I feel at times I am too intense, I am too pushy, I am too needy...these feelings make me self conscious, that if I were give all of myself then I wouldn't be wanted. Perhaps one day my desires will be met, I will meet what they desire in return. These feelings of self consciousness make me back off until things are steady once again. I don't think right now my love, the way I love and want to be loved in return, can or will be done or handled easy. However I shall wait until they say it is alright. I shall learn what needs to be done...breath what needs to be inhaled. Give what needs to be given no matter the pain. No matter how much it hurts I will love regardless, I will love freely.to

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: "You Don't Dream In Cryo." James Corner

It's none of my business that Marko changed his status back to "married" on Facebook.

Jenna isn't Chresh anymore. I can't stay up hours at night worrying about how this guy could fuck her over. I have to stop thinking about it.

I keep asking people about her. I keep bringing her up in conversation- what she would have said, what she *did* say, what she might think, how she might be.

I keep waiting for her to come home- today I started to ask the boyos why Jenna wasn't home yet, why I hadn't heard her key turn in the lock, and if one of them would call her. I stopped, before it left my lips.

But it still hurt like hell.

I can pray she's alright; I can hope she's okay. But it's none of my damned concern whether or not Marko is dragging her around.

I read Kirk/Spock slash. I do. I read a *lot* of different kinds of slash, so this isn't particularly important, but I read Nu!Trek and ToSSlash! quite often, so... yeah.

I like a genre that hints so damned obviously at the sexual tension between two characters that it might as well have just been written as such. I also like when the creators of a show or book series or movie or what-have-you are not only knowledgeable of the fan fiction communities, but when they *like* the writers, and try to throw them a bone now and then.

Roddenberry, as fucked up as he often is, *definitely* plays to the writers.

Roddenberry commented on love between Kirk and Spock that, “Yes, there's certainly some of that -- certainly with love overtones. Deep love. The only difference being, the Greek ideal-- we never suggested in the series-- physical love between the two. But it's the-- we certainly had the feeling that the affection was sufficient for that, if that were the particular style of the 23rd century."

Gene Roddenberry invented a word, in the Original Series, "T'hy'la"- a Vulcan word that described the relationship between Spock and Kirk. It roughly translates to something very close to the Spherical word for the relationships between Gaurdians and Elites---- "friend, brother, lover."

Producers of the new Star Trek film openly commented that Uhura and Spock's relationship in the movie (which was never present in the ToS) was there so that those who *wanted* to see the slash implications could see it, and those who needed not to could simply... wear blinders.

Even the actors from the original series were aware of the slash that was being written for their characters.

Joan Winston, telling of a moment on the set--

....Then came a big dramatic sequence with Spock, and Kirk/Janice attempts to get him to retract his statements and accept K/J as the real Kirk. Bill’s lines were something like: “Spock, Spock, come back to the Enterprise family, forget the madness that overcame all of us on Camus Two.”

Well, either he forgot his lines or that maniacal mind was at work again, because what came out was, “Spock, Spock, it’s always been you, you know it’s always been you. Say you love me, too.”

By the second “always,” Nimoy was sliding down the wall in hysterics and the cast and crew were whooping wildly. Bill turned a completely straight face to the crew and putting his finger under his chin made a polite, and for him, very feminine curtsy.

What a beautiful blooper that would have been, but I don’t think anyone thought about saving it. I know the camera was running, because the cameraman was folded over it laughing, and hadn’t the strength to turn it off. Darn.


So, yeah.